The Lost-Peace Mission

It's those little moments that throw you off track to reality
Those moments where you suddenly realize, 'Oh my God! It can't be, it just can't!'
But oh yes, it is just is

The reality is what it is
You can't alter it
You can't change it for it already is happening

The reality is, she has lost her spirit
The spirit to write
To love
To honor & cherish
Then why is she living?
How is it she is still alive?
For the longest time ever she has believed that without those traits she is not to live
But to be declared deices under the circumstances
How is it she is still alive?

The truth,
The real honest truth?

She was on a vacation
To rest her soul,
Understand her environment
But she is not dead
Just lost

What people do not understand is that
Other creatures on this Earth are entitled to be lost
They have to
For in a world like that which we live in,
Where the effects of wear & tear are extremely evident,
One has the right to lose themselves for a while
Only to regain control once more
Sooner or later, does not matter
As long as the spirit returns in it's fully charged mode
Ready for the harsh daily tasks of life

One has the right to get lost

However, to be lost is to be found as well
& to be found is not such an easy task given the fact that when one is lost
One has no directions of any sort
No directions, no 'pointy' arrows to show the way
No flashing lights
Just the innermost 'gut instinct'
Which is the only tool to be used in order to find a way out of the forest created
Made of many, many pathways
Designed to dismember you apart
Bit by bit
To send horror & fear & confusion to every single fibre of your being
It is so tempting, it actually tastes sweet
& for a very long time one is amazing & dazzled
Slowly losing the will to be found
& eventually is never found
His/her reality is,
Permanently lost
Which is the latter case

However, only few follow their animal instinct & eventually the right path
Through the truphs & hollow
Only to find the greater, brighter picture surrounding them in ways never imagined
& to fulfill a life worth living & fighting for
The individual that does
Is a very happy individual.

Envious people start manipulating, hating
Spreading anger & depression all over
Making 'Vanity',
One of the seven deadly sins
Rise from different directions & creations
In everything, one will find vanity
& it is then one knows the world is corrupt

It is that simple.
As odd as it may seem
The current world's complications is the present's destruction
& the future's paralysis

But for the first time,
It is the human spirit that which is lost
& will not be found
The 'race', one-by-one could bring it back together when it finds itself
Being-by-being, until the Earth's heart is at peace

It is as simple as that.

Question: How does one make over 15 billion people on this planet be found?
Answer: By finding one at a time

Easier said than done...

Her Devil's Own (I)

How does a heart break?
Some say it breaks into pieces
Others, it pulls apart
While others might say that smashing it under a cold steel tank would be much worse
However, the more efficient way to break a heart, is to give it to someone that is not worthy of it
Trust them with it
& watch as you slowly burn into ashes
But the most painful way known to man kind yet;
After it shatters into a million pieces as it is thrown towards a brick wall,
Someone pulls it back together again for the sake of being kind
Soon after that same person, gets you so attached to them you cannot bare the thought of losing them
& with time you succumb to them,
Trusting them
Giving them everything you own
After all that time has passed,
That same exact person that allowed your heart to beat once more,
Holds you heart still onto a clamp & slowly starts cutting small paper-cuts all around your heart
As you slowly bleed,
Although the bleeding is not worth mentioning
But how would it feel if a thousand paper-cuts scar your surface every time?
As she lays there on the floor with no idea where her "blood machine" went,
For that is what it is to her,
Naked, bare, ashamed of all what has been said & done
She wallows in her sorrow & misery
Remembering all those times when she thought she was in heaven
When she was only in an oasis in the middle of the desert
A desert that has no beginning & no end
Oh, the pain!
How sweet it tastes
How smooth it feels,
As the blood drips from the mouth of the vicious creature that has ripped through those delicate tissues of your heart
How deep the colour red is your blood as it slithers away,
Taking your soul,
Slowly seeing it slip into oblivion
What is left of you is nothing but a bloodless, colourless corpse, worth dispensing
Not worthy of even the slightest bit of skin on it
See as the universe around stays still
Peaceful
As you fall apart
Hoping & praying for someone,
Anyone,
To hear you cries
Begging & pleading,
"Please, oh, please! Save me from this ruthless path to hell!"
Offering yourself to whatever that might come your way
Selling not only your body but soul as well
As someone replies back,
Which is later distant to be the devil you have assigned to yourself,
"What is it for me?"
Then is where you start thinking,
"Oh my God! What have I done?!
What have I placed myself into?!"
Outraged,
You start thinking of a way out,
The direct route & the indirect ones
Slowly your devil notices,
Blocks all passages & ways into & out of the galaxy he has separated you in
You try to sneak away through the fragile holes you see that may appear so weak
But as you start pushing yourself against it
The balloon bursts & all the angry water inside has showered your dreams of freedom with bloody stains,
Ones that no one could account for
You try to remove those stains,
But later,
They turn into burns, wound or scars
That mark you for life,
As the person own by that particular devil
Eons go by,
You look around you
& life is empty
Nothing
A vacuum that just seems so pure
Nothing could go wrong
But then again,
Where are you?
What has gotten you here?
So isolated & away from everything & everyone?
The people you loved & mattered to you the most?
Then lightening strikes
As you realize what you have done
The storm is at it's peak
The winds, the rain & all of God's disasters pour on you as you notice your world has fell apart
Like a key fitting into a specific lock,
Depression finds itself a home to live in, flourish & grow enormously
After decades of trying to kill that beast,
Melt that key away,
You realize you have fed that evasive power & thus you are weak once more
But this time however,
You have succumbed to something so different so odd
It takes you to a whole new world
Filled with different challenges
All with one purpose,
Which is undoubtable,
"How to kill yourself in the most painful way possible?"
She tries once,
Twice,
Three times,
But alas, nothing has given the optimal answer
Although she sicking-ly enjoyed every moment of those various degrees of pain
Taking one to be hers only
So he doesn't succeed
Finally something he doesn't succeed in,
But will it stay that way?

(Written at 10:32 PM / March 25th 2009)

Burned..

Why do we hurt?
Why do we put ourselves in situations where we know we won't get out of?
For the pleasure of the pain that follows those moments?
Moments where you are just about to lose everything?
Is is some sort of high?
Is it a way we let go just for a second & then regain back?

Well, she never did
That girl that everyone wanted to be
That girl that everyone wished they had
A friend
A sister
A lover
Whatever it is
She just wasn't who she was before
She never regained her strength
Became ashes after the burn
Vanishing into oblivion
Losing what was truly & really the essence of her soul
She gave so much of herself

No one knew how much
How many nights she laid awake
Wondering
Wishing
Praying to God that someone saves her
But when that person comes
Is she ready?
Is she really ready to go back to the person she was?
Is she considering a possibility?
Or is it her vulnerability?
Will is destroy her to be herself again?
Or will it bring the life back in her?

She loses that fight everyday
Feeling like a failure
Wishing to gain more than what she had
Only to always be disappointed
Only to find all the gates/doors of opportunity close in front of her
She prayed so many times for salvation
There just never was one
Giving up the hope that she always went by
Moving through life as though all was a lie
& she was just another pawn in life's game of chess
Only to hear the words,
''Check mate''
Too many times

Too many times indeed
She found herself lost in the words she says
Finding they had no meaning
Wishing to be redeemed off her sins
Which are yet not to be forgiven
Waking up everyday
Every night
To find her soul bleeding the liquid life of her spirit
She never could understand why she hung on to what might have been the worse thing that ever happened to her
Is it the pain she longed for?
Or was it the hope & memories that she held on to for so long just to find another reason to breathe?
She'll never know
Too hurt to speak
Too much to say
Yet no words available to say it
Too many cuts & bruises that linger through her soul
Indeed,
She bleed like a deer hits several times on a rail way track
No one notices her for a long time
& as she hung on to her last breath
A ray of light suddenly emerges
Giving her a second chance
She breathes
But with every breathe she took
It felt like her last
It burned
Lying there no knowing what to do,
What to say
It just...
Burned
Burned
Burned by her memory
One she cannot control
Or is it would not control?
Relieving herself from all those painful seconds
Where she felt her own flesh burn
Burned
The exact word that describes it all for her right now
The sound of her skin
Her life
Her heart
Her soul
Burning
Pleased the devil that lived inside of her
Awaking the memories she has been longing to forget
The memories that made her who she was
Only she never wanted to know them
She just wanted to heal from them
But that won't happen
It just won't
As though her own conscience won't let her rest
She lays awake every night
Praying for her burns to heal
Yet the only word that says it all is,
Burned...

(Written at 1:57 AM / February 2nd 2009)

"Love is a Losing Game"

"When has love ever been a form of torture

When has it ever been something you run from & hide

When your entire life you just keep looking for it like some who has lost their keys

When has you heart ever get broken twice

You try relentlessly over & over again fighting for it

& once you have it

The more you fight

The harder it gets

& the bigger the crater in your heart

You wonder is it worth it in the end?

Is it really worth all those pennies & dimes called your tears?

Is it really worth all those nights you spent awake

Lying in bed

Wondering where is that person who holds your heart in his/her hand

Wondering if you have made the right mistake or not

Yes,

Mistake..

You always wonder whether it was right or wrong to fall in love

It's always wrong No doubt about that

The pressures of it the heartaches

The pain

The time All for what?

For nothing..

Yet some of us just find it amazing how so many people have that perception

Then you ask,

Who are you kidding?

"Love is just a losing game!"

You lose everything

A man loses his wife for the love of his mistress

The woman loses her husband to his mistress

The children lose their father to their future step-mum, which they eventually hate

A girl loses her virginity to the man she "loves"

He leaves her for another girl who is more popular

Sexier, sexual more desirable

Yet she says I "LOST" my virginity to the boy I love

Who are you kidding?

Really?

You just said it You "LOST" something to someone who left you

He didn't lose anything

He just gained another, maybe even better, sex partner

"Love IS a losing game"

Yet, we always manage to find ourselves running to it

Grabbing hold of it

Praying in the holiest of time for God to keep that love going

When deep down you just know the cold hard truth

Love is just another harmful, painful, tearful, depressing thought, or rather a game

That people play for something so trivial as to fall for someone who they think is their "soul mate"

What is that phrase anyway?

Just another way to sell love at the corner of the street at a stand with a sign that says,

"Love 4 sale"..

" Such grim thoughts run through her head

Is just another day in her life?

Or is just a phase?

She'll never know

As she is always tortured by the fact that she has not enough 'heart' to love again..

A Tale to Tell..

Once upon a time..
I was asked this question: If there was a guy that really loved you & wanted to have a relationship with you, what would you do? Would you ever love him more than the love before?
I replied with no intention of what I said: I don’t think I can ever love anyone more than I love my past love, people change & If this guy is willing & up to it he’ll wait for me until I’m ready, if he takes this risk then I think there might be something worth it..
I shouldn’t have replied ‘I don’t think’, I should have answered ‘I will never love anyone else’
But I was right I will never love anyone in my whole lifetime as much as I love him
I was also right when I said that people change
However, in my case, I’m sure I’ll change, God knows to the better or not, physically, mentally, emotionally …etc, but my love to him will also remain unchanged
For he is my one & only true love
& forever will I be faithful to him although somewhere in my heart says this would be your biggest mistake yet
I’m stubborn enough to know that I will do it for my love to him is far too great
As for the mistaken young, eager heart that fell in love with the wrong person in the wrong place & time, I feel sorry for him because he will have to look for another maiden to live with him in his own castle in the middle of nowhere land that lay within the thin walls of his fragile heart
I live in a time were you find your lover in the ends of the world but you are never meant to live together happily ever after
That’s the unfairness of life
It just rips away your most prised possession you could ever be in titled to in your whole life
How pathetic that is
To love someone you can never have
Then why bother to love then?
Why do through the twists & hurls of a love that is just perfect for each other but not meant to be?
To become attached to that person meaninglessly
Were you can’t move unless you know & comfort your heart & soul with the fact that this person lives & dies for you
Were you endure countless times of pain & agony; of hollow suffering
With this person that you shall never be with
That you can’t declare your love to for one circumstance or another
Whether it’s the society or the home you live in; its tabooed to declare your undefined love to the person that holds your heart in his/her hand after he/she ripped it out of your shivering body that has no existence without it but in some weird state is taking deep care of it, in his/her care its filled with love & affection like no other
Or the heartless fact that your lover suddenly has no affection or feelings towards you; only an hollow empty space which you used to occupy, in a desperate attempt to repay what is being done to me; to fill that person with the same love & affection given out to thou self
It’s all the same
All the same truth; you have lost the person that your heart belongs & longs to
The hardest truth in a person’s life in fact
You fall deeply in love with this person that pushes your buttons, kills you with their bad jokes, makes you want to kill them when they play this sick prank on you, when they scream or yell at you in fear or anger they force you to face the truth & be yourself; the person they loved in you, the person that they were drawn to from the very beginning, that makes you want to cry when they overwhelm you with their sweetness
You make plans with their consent & in your heart, the basis of which is the thought of you two together forever
A while passes by
Suddenly everything disappears & nothing is left but this bitter fact that now you are forever on your own
You have no light on your way
No undeclared sacred love affair that does nothing but ignites this fire within your soul that drives you through everything that passes by you; the good, the bad & the down right ugly
No ‘backbone’ to relay on
No one watching & guarding you; protecting you from all harm
Just an empty hole in a lonely heart alone in time & space
A hole that only seems to get bigger & bigger with time
Slowly filling up with nothingness, emptiness that does nothing to your soul only to bring it down to the ground; to reality
& now would you kindly tell me what is the purpose of loving someone when the only result is a broken heart?
Why should a person go looking for something that might destroy him/her?
Why should we bother ourselves into falling in love purposely & accidentally with the only person that might wipe out everything that you have ever strived for?
What is the purpose of love?
Why did I fall in love with you?
Tell me why..

(Writen at : 3:27am / January 22nd 07)